I have been debating writing this post for a long time. Something keeps holding me back from it... seriously a battle inside me, and I have decided it is the devil. I am sorry to admit I am one of those people who do not like to face things that are uncomfortable. I certainly do not like to self-disclose unhappy things via Internet (writing about my mom last week was a stretch). However, I am all about reading other people’s stories to encourage me when I am down. Also, I read on a blog I like that if you share it that many more people are praying. I have felt like God has been telling me to write this for a while. I kept telling myself I will once it is all resolved. Apparently not what He had in mind because I have been thinking about it too much (Thank you, Holy Spirit). So here goes…
Ike and I have been trying to have a baby for a little over 2 years. Long before we got married we had decided to be married a year, and then start “trying” for a baby. We both love kids and thought that would be perfect timing.
It’s so weird how I thought it was going to be no sweat. In April 2009, Ike and I were in Disney World (how appropriate) and we decide let's "stop preventing". That's what we called it so we would not feel pressure after all, we were in no hurry really. In July 2009, we found out we were expecting! We were on cloud 9. In August we were suppose to be 10 weeks pregnant so we went in for our first ultrasound. The tech started…She could not find a heartbeat. She tried two different ultrasounds and nothing. I was extremely emotional and confused. She sent us to a room to wait for our doctor. She came in and told us that the baby was only measuring 7 weeks, so she believed our baby had stopped growing around that point. We were to wait a week just to be sure, and then come back and if nothing had changed we would go from there. To say that next week was not good is an understatement. We went back, and there were no changes. At this point we had a choice to go home and wait for my body to miscarry on it’s on or schedule a D&C. We scheduled the D&C. The doctor said that at this point there was no need to worry about babies in the future that this just happens sometimes. They told us to wait at least 3 months before trying again. So we did that and in February 2010 Ike got shingles. I had a feeling I was pregnant so we were worried because I have never had chicken pox. We took a test and yep pregnant. I went in to my doctor, who gave me something to prevent me from catching it. The following Monday I went on a trip for work. I woke up Tuesday cramping terribly! I got up to find out I was definitely miscarrying again (which had nothing to do with Ike's shingles, they did a blood test that showed I had never been exposed to it). This was so hard for me and Ike being apart dealing with it. Since then we have continued to "not prevent"! It has been over a year and no sign of pregnancy which is so weird that the other 2 happened so quickly. So that’s where we are…The day to day struggles are the hardest. I seriously think we should have bought stock in pregnancy test. Really! I take several EVERY month! The good ones because of course we say, "oh it's cheap it might be wrong"(which I know is not true). My first two pregnancies I KNEW I was pregnant immediately, I could tell... now every month I read into things which frustrates me (and Ike, though he has never once complained), not to mention my cycles are at least 40 days apart which would be awesome if we were not trying to have a baby. We both stand there and wait for the little line or pregnant/not pregnant this is the most stressful few minutes. Ike has been very calm, I know it is hard for him as well. This whole process has no doubt made me love him even more than ever (didn’t even know it was possible). God has used it to grow our relationship for sure!
So how do I deal with it? I look back and I know timing was off for us. If we had our first babies here with us there is no way Ike would have gone back to school, and we would not be where we are now and we believe without a doubt this is exactly where God wants us (He continues to confirm this) and that our babies are with Him. And I am SO thankful to the Lord for the time He has given Ike and I, truly a blessing! We love to travel and just do whatever we want at a moments notice. We know these days will be harder to come by when we do have a child, so we try to remember this and be thankful. We know all this, and we trust His perfect timing and will. We still struggle with it, both in very different ways, but we are praying and BELIEVING that God’s perfect timing will come for us to have a child in His perfect way. Up until now I have not felt like we should seek further help, but now I think it is time so Ike and I will see a specialist soon.
I wrote that last week and never got around to posting. On Thursday Ike and I did see the specialist. I didn't mention this before but during our first sonogram the tech was very surprised to discovery that I had what she called a double uterus meaning just like it sounds I have two. At the specialist Thursday he said he wanted to do a special sonogram and check to be sure it was actually a bicarbonate uterus (double uterus) and not a septum uterus. Well come to find out he believes it is a septate uterus. So what does that mean...well that there is a septum separating my one uterus. The problem with this is that if an embryo implants in this area there is not sufficient blood flow to sustain the baby causing a miscarriage. So his suggestion to us is surgery to remove the septum. We are still not sure why my cycle is so long (worried I could be miscarrying more than I know), but no need in addressing that until after surgery. This was not exactly what we were expecting to hear, but we were so glad to hear that there is hope! The specialist was wonderful!!! We were there maybe 2 hours, and had some answers. We are so thankful for the Lord's planning. How perfect that we are here in the same town with the specialist!