Monday, September 12, 2011

Little apprehensive and extremely long!

I have been debating writing this post for a long time. Something keeps holding me back from it... seriously a battle inside me, and I have decided it is the devil. I am sorry to admit I am one of those people who do not like to face things that are uncomfortable. I certainly do not like to self-disclose unhappy things via Internet (writing about my mom last week was a stretch).  However, I am all about reading other people’s stories to encourage me when I am down.  Also, I read on a blog I like that if you share it that many more people are praying. I have felt like God has been telling me to write this for a while. I kept telling myself I will once it is all resolved. Apparently not what He had in mind because I have been thinking about it too much (Thank you, Holy Spirit). So here goes…
Ike and I have been trying to have a baby for a little over 2 years. Long before we got married we had decided to be married a year, and then start “trying” for a baby. We both love kids and thought that would be perfect timing.
It’s so weird how I thought it was going to be no sweat. In April 2009, Ike and I were in Disney World (how appropriate) and we decide let's "stop preventing".  That's what we called it so we would not feel pressure after all, we were in no hurry really.  In July 2009, we found out we were expecting! We were on cloud 9. In August we were suppose to be 10 weeks pregnant so we went in for our first ultrasound. The tech started…She could not find a heartbeat. She tried two different ultrasounds and nothing. I was extremely emotional and confused.  She sent us to a room to wait for our doctor. She came in and told us that the baby was only measuring 7 weeks, so she believed our baby had stopped growing around that point. We were to wait a week just to be sure, and then come back and if nothing had changed we would go from there. To say that next week was not good is an understatement. We went back, and there were no changes. At this point we had a choice to go home and wait for my body to miscarry on it’s on or schedule a D&C. We scheduled the D&C. The doctor said that at this point there was no need to worry about babies in the future that this just happens sometimes. They told us to wait at least 3 months before trying again. So we did that and in February 2010 Ike got shingles. I had a feeling I was pregnant so we were worried because I have never had chicken pox. We took a test and yep pregnant. I went in to my doctor, who gave me something to prevent me from catching it. The following Monday I went on a trip for work. I woke up Tuesday cramping terribly! I got up to find out I was definitely miscarrying again (which had nothing to do with Ike's shingles, they did a blood test that showed I had never been exposed to it). This was so hard for me and Ike being apart dealing with it. Since then we have continued to "not prevent"! It has been over a year and no sign of pregnancy which is so weird that the other 2 happened so quickly.   So that’s where we are…The day to day struggles are the hardest.  I seriously think we should have bought stock in pregnancy test. Really! I take several EVERY month!  The good ones because of course we say, "oh it's cheap it might be wrong"(which I know is not true).  My first two pregnancies I KNEW I was pregnant immediately, I could tell... now every month I read into things which frustrates me (and Ike, though he has never once complained), not to mention my cycles are at least 40 days apart which would be awesome if we were not trying to have a baby.  We both stand there and wait for the little line or pregnant/not pregnant this is the most stressful few minutes.  Ike has been very calm, I know it is hard for him as well. This whole process has no doubt made me love him even more than ever (didn’t even know it was possible). God has used it to grow our relationship for sure!
So how do I deal with it?  I look back and I know timing was off for us. If we had our first babies here with us there is no way Ike would have gone back to school, and we would not be where we are now and we believe without a doubt this is exactly where God wants us (He continues to confirm this) and that our babies are with Him.  And I am SO thankful to the Lord for the time He has given Ike and I, truly a blessing!  We love to travel and just do whatever we want at a moments notice.  We know these days will be harder to come by when we do have a child, so we try to remember this and be thankful. We know all this, and we trust His perfect timing and will. We still struggle with it, both in very different ways, but we are praying and BELIEVING that God’s perfect timing will come for us to have a child in His perfect way.  Up until now I have not felt like we should seek further help, but now I think it is time so Ike and I will see a specialist soon.

I wrote that last week and never got around to posting.  On Thursday Ike and I did see the specialist.  I didn't mention this before but during our first sonogram the tech was very surprised to discovery that I had what she called a double uterus meaning just like it sounds I have two.  At the specialist Thursday he said he wanted to do a special sonogram and check to be sure it was actually a bicarbonate uterus (double uterus) and not a septum uterus.  Well come to find out he believes it is a septate uterus.  So what does that mean...well that there is a septum separating my one uterus.  The problem with this is that if an embryo implants in this area there is not sufficient blood flow to sustain the baby causing a miscarriage.  So his suggestion to us is surgery to remove the septum.  We are still not sure why my cycle is so long (worried I could be miscarrying more than I know), but no need in addressing that until after surgery.  This was not exactly what we were expecting to hear, but we were so glad to hear that there is hope!  The specialist was wonderful!!!  We were there maybe 2 hours, and had some answers.  We are so thankful for the Lord's planning.  How perfect that we are here in the same town with the specialist! 




10 comments:

Laura Drewry said...

Sweet Brandy...please know I will be praying for you guys as you are dealing with this. I do believe with all my heart that the Lord's timing is indeed the BEST timing...however I know it can be difficult being patient. I am so sorry to hear this and will continue to pray for the both of you...love y'all!! :)

Michael and Mary Beth said...

I will be praying! Know that your sharing brings comfort to others dealing with the same thing but without the strength to share.

Vanessa said...

Brandy you are such an amazing person and I am so glad we are friends. The first time you told me about this I cried for you guys. Reading through this again brought tears to my eyes. I can't imagine how difficult it has been for you and Ike to bear multiple losses but your perspective and continued belief in God's faithfulness has been so inspiring. I will be praying for you during this time. Love you lots.

Emily said...

It seems like so many people close to me are going through similar struggles in this area...I'm praying for you and am SO inspired by your complete trust in God through this and finding so many positives in a negative situation. Also it's WONDERFUL news that there is something that they can do to hopefully fix the issue!!! I'm going to send this blog entry along to a friend who recently miscarried and is struggling with the emotions that go along with such a heartbreaking thing...I'm sure you're post will help her to feel less alone in this so I'm so thankful you shared it! I stopped and prayed for you just now and that you and Ike will be blessed with the precious baby you so desire!

Cari Ann said...

Brandy, is there any chance you read my blog post last week? http://bradandcarigaunt.blogspot.com/. If you didn't, this is extremely peculiar timing. I am so sorry for your losses. I didn't go into detail either, but, then again, the depths of the pain can't really be put into a blog, can it? My only encouragement is to cling to Jesus with everything you have. Love you from New Orleans and will definitely be praying for you and Ike.

Lydia said...

Brandy - Thank you for being strong and posting this. I will be praying for you and Ike. Remember: "'I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.'" Jeremiah 29:11 MSG -Lydia :)

Samantha said...

Brandy.. I also miscarried in August 2009 and had a D&C. It was strange how God planned it. I was about to head to the hospital because Amanda (Dill) was in labor. I was going to sit by her for the day and wait. I went to the bathroom at work and there you go. So instead of going to L&D, I went to the ER (awful experience). Amanda gave birth that same day. It was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. So I just can't even imagine what you are dealing with. I was completely consumed with my cycle and getting pregnant again. I felt I had the biggest void that I needed to fill. I also spent a ton on pregnancy tests, ovulation kits, reading on the internet, and reading miscarriage forums. We were very fortunate that it didn't take long to conceive again. I stayed a nervous wreck the entire time. To His Glory, I gave birth to Stella almost a year to the day that I had miscarried a year before. It is all in His timing, but it is so hard being patient. I am SO glad yall got some answers from the specialist. Now hopefully things will start progressing. Atleast you know your body is capable of conceiving. That is a blessing! Hang in there. Be strong. It took a lot of courage to write all of that. I look at miscarriage in a different way now. It is truly heart breaking and a pain you will never forget.. Praying for you guys.

Birdie said...

I'm so glad that you found my blog, and now I get to read yours too!! I know it sounds strange, but it makes me rejoice that the specialist found a cause for the 2 miscarriages. A lot of women never get any answers, and believe it or not, this is actually good news that you know what has likely caused you to miscarry and you can have surgery to correct it! As you know from reading my blog, I had surgery to remove the septum I had in August 2010. I am now over 31 weeks pregnant with our little daughter after 4 miscarriages. She is our miracle baby! Please feel free to email me with ANY questions!! creekjc @ nctc. com
I'm SO sorry for all that you've gone through. But I look ahead with great anticipation for what the Lord has in store for you and Ike! :)

Jason and Leigha said...

Brandy - I really admire you for writing this and being so transparent. Jason and I also tried for two years to get pregnant with our sweet Garrett.(I was just never brave enough to write it on my blog.) I completely understand the feeling of disappointment every month when the tests are not positive. I am so sorry that you have had to go through two miscarriages. My heart breaks for you and Ike. Please know I will be praying for both of you during this journey. God definitely taught us a lot through ours, one being that babies are definitely miracles and blessings from Him. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to email me - leighagdawkins@yahoo.com.

Katie and Monroe Campbell said...

Visiting for Kelly's blog! Loved your post and thank you for your open writing. I have a septate uterus as well. I had no idea how common it was. Will be praying for you and your husband and praying that a little bundle of joy is in the near future. I know it's so hard to hand this over to the Lord, but I can only hope that we can look back years from now and see how perfect His timing was and not our own.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions, I will try to answer them as best as I can.

Many Blessings, Katie