I am going to be an AUNT!!!

I JUST realized that I had not posted this!  My sister and Her husband are EXPECTING!!!!  I have mentioned before that they have been trying for a while.  My sister has PCOS and was told by a specialist that she would not be able to get pregnant without IVF, and even then her chances were slim.  She and Jason decided that was not the route they wanted to take and started looking into adoption.  This video was them telling us they ARE expecting about 2 months after the doctor visit.  To say we are excited is an understatement!!! I am so happy to be an aunt and for my boys to have a best friend, cousin!  He's name is going to be Kyle and he will be about 11 months younger than Spence so I think it is just perfect!  We can not wait!!!

Brant's Birth

I have to say a c-section seems a little boring.  There is none of the excitement of going into labor and rushing to the hospital.  However, there was also not an entire day of contractions and pain and ALL of our family could be there...so I will take it.  We got up early Friday morning and headed off to the hospital to have our baby boy.

heading to the hospital

 We got to the hospital and they immediately took me to the back and started getting me ready for surgery.  They told me to get into my gown.  I thought surely I had a few minutes to get into it...NO.  Mid change one of the nurses starts trying to come in the back door of the room, and have a conversation with me.  I'm not sure at this point do I try to put my clothes back on or continue with the change.  This of course doesn't phase her, and she tells me I have to leave my modesty at the door.  My friends had warned me, but I was still not quite ready.  But they were all right from here on out there was no modesty.

Ready for a baby!

 The worst part of the whole process was the catheter.  Uh!  They roll me back for surgery sit me up on this table and I feel a little pinch.  The end of labor pains :)  Once my body was numb they let Ike come in, and my fabulous nurse antithesis walks me through the whole process telling me what to expect.  It is weird because you can feel all the tugging, but you never feel the cut or anything.  About 5 minutes later I hear my doctor say, "there he is, butt first.  He's a big boy."  And they come around the curtain with the most beautiful baby I have ever seen.  Ike and I were both immediately in love!  

I knew at this moment our lives would never be the same!  God amazes me.  All those years of praying and praying for a child.  Every single moment of disappointment and waiting were all worth it.  At just the right time the Lord had blessed us with a beautiful healthy little baby boy!

Brant-
I don't think you can possible know how much love you have brought to your mom and dad.  I wish you could have seen the excitement in your daddy's face.  He (and I) have never been so proud of anything in our entire lives.  You had an amazing witness and story before you were ever born I can only imagine what God is going to do with your life.  We love you more than you can ever know!

Praise the Lord!

The Lord is so good to us! We can't say that enough, and we are sooo thankful for all you who have been praying for us.

Here is the story. After the cysts were finally gone, we tried the Letrozole for a few months, and every month the progesterone test would indicate that I had not ovulated. Since this did not appear to be working, we decided to give clomid a try for a few months. The first month on clomid, my progesterone indicated that I had ovulated!!! First little victory! Let the waiting begin!

Friday July 20, Ike gets home from work, and he asks me if I had taken a test. Of course, I had not because it was only day 29, and it was afternoon. I was certain IF I was pregnant it would be negative plus I did not need to go the restroom. So I refused, and I reminded him how it puts me in a bad mood to get a negative test. He would not let up until I took a test. At first I was like see its negative, then all of the sudden the second line began to appear. I COULD NOT believe it was possible. Then of course we stood over it for the next 30 minutes questioning if it was really a positive. We headed out to get one that was a little clearer. And it said it, PREGNANT! All these months of getting the not pregnant and there it was! It was surreal! We had a little mini party for ourselves, but knew we were not out of the woods yet. Saturday was the first day of blood work. They measured my HCG levels which were 122. Our doctor seemed pleased with these numbers but we would have a check on Monday (level was 303) and Wednesday (690), so my numbers were more than doubling every 48 hours. We were on pins and needles waiting for the results everytime I would have blood work. Our doctor seemed pleased with these numbers so that helped us relax SOME. Our first ultrasound was Friday August 3. It was a crazy morning, we were filled with nervousness and excitement! It went great. We had been hoping to be able to hear a heartbeat, but we weren't quite able to this visit, but we could see it, which was reassuring. That afternoon was the afternoon Ike and I left for Texas. On our way back when we were in Dallas with the Ward's, I started having some bleeding which stopped over the night. It was too late I was already in panic mode. I called the doctor and had our Friday appointment moved to Thursday.  I couldn't wait another night. On Thursday we went in, and I really did not know what he was going to say. I know spotting is pretty common, but with my history I just was not sure. BUT everything was great! We were able to hear the heartbeat!!! A sound that was like music to our ears! August 17th was our last appointment with our specialist. They said we were graduating. I think we both had some mixed emotions about this because with the specialist we go to see the baby every week, but they felt good about it so we were ready. We were officially 8weeks farther along than we had ever really been!

Our baby's first picture!

This is the picture we sent my parents to tell them.  We are hoping Buster is excited about this news!

Coming March 2013!!

Very Very excited to share this little miracle is set to arrive March 2013!!!

 

Our little cupcake!

 

More to come!

Sibling time

My sister and Jason came for a visit last weekend.  We found this awesome deal on living social for a water park close to us and planned to go on Saturday.  Well I have never bought anything from living social or groupon so I assumed we could buy it Saturday morning.  I was putting it off because I was not sure what the weather was going to do.  Anyway you can't do that...it takes 24-48 to verify purchase just FYI.  So we quickly cancelled that purchase and made other plans.  We decided to go to the Choctaw Indian fair.  You park and ride a school bus to the fair.  As soon as we pulled up to the fair the bottom fell out, so we just rode the little bus back to the car.  Always an adventure, but we had fun regardless!  We ate instead always a blast.  :)
This is a picture we sent to our mom on the way...

On the bus...I posted this picture of Ike and I on Facebook and said long time since we have rode the bus together because Ike and I did ride the school bus together for a few years.  I have mentioned this before I think but actually my mom used to take us to school and I begged for us to ride the bus so I could see Ike.  Now Ike only rode the bus 15 minutes, and we had to ride an hour and half.  Oh I was just so in love already. 

We had a blast, and always love our time with these guys.  I don't believe I have mentioned this before, but they have also been trying to have a baby close to the same amount of time as us, and have been unsuccessful.  Amanda has seen a couple of doctors, has done her time with clomid, and they have not been able to find one thing wrong with either of them.  In our case everything seems to be wrong with me, and that is frustrating.  In their situation nothing appears to be wrong, and that is also very frustrating.  I HATE that my baby sister is experiencing this, but I know that Lord has allowed us to be there for each other through this journey.  I have been reading this book called Authentic Faith, and it was been such a blessing me, more on that later, but I suggest it to for everyone especially those facing infertility.   

The cocoon

Today was one of those days.  Some one I know and I am super happy for announced that they are expecting.  They started trying last month.  So I was starting to have a selfish moment of why me? and my sweet friend Molly sent this to me.  I thought it was just what I needed so I had to share. 

The Cocoon
One day a small opening appeared on a cocoon, a man sat and watched for
the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body
through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It
appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no
further.
So the man decided to help the butterfly, he took a pair of scissors
and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then
emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at
any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the
body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the
butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body
and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.
What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was the the
restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butter fly to get
through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body
of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight
once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God
allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would
cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We
could never fly.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many
kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops
perseverance." (James 1:2-3)

In His time

I debated writing about this, this month, but I think need to.  Someone told me a long time ago to keep a prayer journal so that I can look back at it months or even years later and see how the Lord has answered my prayers because we often forget after they are answered.  All through high school and college I was great at writing these things down.  I have tons of what I call "regular" journals and prayer journals.  I remember right before getting married boxing up my stuff, and reading some of these.  I was amazed at how faithful God had been to my prayers.  The road to these prayers being answered had not all been easy, but He had far exceeded anything I could have imagined.  Some of those prayers I'm still praying today, and I know in His time He will answer those as well.  My point is I wanted to document my feelings to date so that I can look back at this with a smile when the Lord answers...I responded to a friends email and I thought it best said where I am.  I'm copying it below...

Thanks for your email. I totally understand no one knows what to say, and it seems to be an elephant in the room with all of our friends and we hate that. We could not be MORE EXCITED for all of you! Ike and I are very thankful for you guys as well, and we really do take comfort in knowing that so many people are praying for us. We KNOW that the Lord loves us and only has good and perfect plans for us and that is also very reassuring. With all that being said it does take its toll.  I often say my number one defense mechanism is anger. Sad is too hard. So lately I have noticed that I have began being more angry...I'm mad at myself for feeling like I do and I've been mad at God for making me wait. It hasn't helped one single thing for me to feel like this. So I'm moving past it (with His help). I am blessed and the Lord has ALWAYS been faithful to me, and I will not allow the devil to let me doubt Him now. Thank you for being there for us. We love you guys!

 Love, Brandy

Story of my life

I know this is a very vain thing, and I know I'm not overweight, BUT I'm uncomfortable. 

When I saw this I found it most amusing!  This is the story of my life lately!  I showed it to Ike, and I said, "does that not sound like me?".  He said, "No, you don't cry, you get mad and throw things!"  SO TRUE!  I can not stand the scale these days!  I know it is my own fault (but I blame the whole pregnancy roller coaster).  Oh well...I find it extremely difficult not to go out to eat for lunch.  Almost everyone in my office goes out to eat, and it's like middle school, I feel left out. :)  AND I really do enjoy working out, but really who has time besides my husband who goes before work.  I have this dream every week that I will get up and go with him...not happened in a long time.  So I'm mostly just venting...I am hoping to do better this week, but let's be honest it's Ike's birthday week so we must celebrate!  Anyhoo...Maybe next week.....

However, in relation to the above.  I did go back to the doctor this month, and we got some good news... NO MORE CYST!  Praise the Lord!  So we were able to start the fertility meds (which I am not sure but I do believe have contributed to the uncomfortable constantly bloated feeling.).  I am trying really hard to just stay relaxed, and remember that these are not a sure thing.  Hopeful, but I'm not guaranteed to be pregnant at the end of the month.  I am trying to be realistic. :)  All of your prayers are welcomed :) 

What a ride!

Infertility is definitely an emotional roller coaster ride. I remember when I had my surgery in November the doctor said you should be pregnant in 3 months. Sitting there with Ike and counting down that we could have a baby in 2012. I thought by February I would have had 3 full cycles. I've had one, and it was Provera induced. So Thursday we went in to see what is going on. I thought we would go and he would prescribe ovulation meds and we would move right along. Unfortunately that was not what happened. He found a cyst in one of my ovaries that is fairly large. Fabulous! Now we are waiting to see if it goes away on it's own. He seems to believe it will. The thing is we can't start meds to help me ovulate till it is gone. I was SAD and ANGRY.  Realizing the chances of having a baby this year are no longer a reality.  April will make 3 years we have been trying to get pregnant.  It is very hard to understand.  Thursday was awful.  I felt like if I could just move on I could be better, but there is no moving on.  I know that the visit was not terrible like I orginally felt.  I know that ovulation meds are still an option, and that really is a blessing. I am thankful that I have a relationship with the Lord and I know He has perfect timing.  We just have to stay focused on that and continue to pray for His will.

A whole bunch of Randomness

*Mom had her LAST radiation!!  She comes here first week of February for a check up!

*I am still adjusting to "busy" season (I guess Ike is too, ha since he is the one working all the hours :) ).  Ike works A. L.O.T.!  He has been out of town some, and this will probably happen more and more for both of us.  This past week he was suppose to be out of town and something happened and he got to stay home!  You would have thought it was Christmas all over again!  I was super excited!

*My friend from my old job, Molly got a job with me at the state!  I'm happy about this!

*Lately I have been doing better mentally with the whole idea of having a baby.  I feel like I have not been as negative and felt very hopeful.  BUT I have also wanted a baby, maybe more than ever.  I know it seems that it would have made me feel worse, but I think the Lord has used it to help me be excited.  I have also started a plan for reading the bible in a year, and spending that time in the word has no doubt changed my attitude.  I was talking to someone the other day about being in a relationship, and I ask the person," are you were you want to be to be in a relationship?"  This opened my eyes to how much I have put seeking the Lord on the back burner, and focused on all the stuff going on.  I LOVE the Lord, and I believe and have sooo much faith in Him!  For a while now I have not been actively seeking Him though.  I pray and occassionally would read a devotional, but really spending time getting to know Him has not been a priority.  I was convicted of how often I have a few seconds of "free time", and I will pull up my facebook app or pinterest when I could be pulling up the bible.  I started praying that God would give me a desire for His word, and He has!  I find myself getting excited to see what's next!  God has brought me to a good place!

Surgery and a BIG birthday!

These are the beautiful flowers I got this past weekend.  One from Ike, my mom, and my aunts that are staying here and the other from my sweet friend Molly!  I loved them both, they made me feel very loved!  As you can guess I had surgery Friday afternoon to remove the septum in my uterus.  The surgery went very well.  My doctor said I had a very large septum and some endometriosis which he went ahead and treated.  I think Friday was hard on Ike, it took me forever to wake up from the anesthesia. The weekend went pretty good, better than I had expected.  Ike took good care of me.  So for the good news, we went in today to have the stint removed, and our doctor sounded very optimistic that we should be able to have a baby soon!  Ike and I were both happy to hear this.  It all still seems a bit sureal to me.  I am so thankful for God's perfect will and timing!   

Today is my mom's birthday!  I am glad that she is here with me so we can hopefully celebrate!  She had a hard morning and is having to get some fluids today.  I am hoping she will feel better this afternoon.

Little apprehensive and extremely long!

I have been debating writing this post for a long time. Something keeps holding me back from it... seriously a battle inside me, and I have decided it is the devil. I am sorry to admit I am one of those people who do not like to face things that are uncomfortable. I certainly do not like to self-disclose unhappy things via Internet (writing about my mom last week was a stretch).  However, I am all about reading other people’s stories to encourage me when I am down.  Also, I read on a blog I like that if you share it that many more people are praying. I have felt like God has been telling me to write this for a while. I kept telling myself I will once it is all resolved. Apparently not what He had in mind because I have been thinking about it too much (Thank you, Holy Spirit). So here goes…
Ike and I have been trying to have a baby for a little over 2 years. Long before we got married we had decided to be married a year, and then start “trying” for a baby. We both love kids and thought that would be perfect timing.
It’s so weird how I thought it was going to be no sweat. In April 2009, Ike and I were in Disney World (how appropriate) and we decide let's "stop preventing".  That's what we called it so we would not feel pressure after all, we were in no hurry really.  In July 2009, we found out we were expecting! We were on cloud 9. In August we were suppose to be 10 weeks pregnant so we went in for our first ultrasound. The tech started…She could not find a heartbeat. She tried two different ultrasounds and nothing. I was extremely emotional and confused.  She sent us to a room to wait for our doctor. She came in and told us that the baby was only measuring 7 weeks, so she believed our baby had stopped growing around that point. We were to wait a week just to be sure, and then come back and if nothing had changed we would go from there. To say that next week was not good is an understatement. We went back, and there were no changes. At this point we had a choice to go home and wait for my body to miscarry on it’s on or schedule a D&C. We scheduled the D&C. The doctor said that at this point there was no need to worry about babies in the future that this just happens sometimes. They told us to wait at least 3 months before trying again. So we did that and in February 2010 Ike got shingles. I had a feeling I was pregnant so we were worried because I have never had chicken pox. We took a test and yep pregnant. I went in to my doctor, who gave me something to prevent me from catching it. The following Monday I went on a trip for work. I woke up Tuesday cramping terribly! I got up to find out I was definitely miscarrying again (which had nothing to do with Ike's shingles, they did a blood test that showed I had never been exposed to it). This was so hard for me and Ike being apart dealing with it. Since then we have continued to "not prevent"! It has been over a year and no sign of pregnancy which is so weird that the other 2 happened so quickly.   So that’s where we are…The day to day struggles are the hardest.  I seriously think we should have bought stock in pregnancy test. Really! I take several EVERY month!  The good ones because of course we say, "oh it's cheap it might be wrong"(which I know is not true).  My first two pregnancies I KNEW I was pregnant immediately, I could tell... now every month I read into things which frustrates me (and Ike, though he has never once complained), not to mention my cycles are at least 40 days apart which would be awesome if we were not trying to have a baby.  We both stand there and wait for the little line or pregnant/not pregnant this is the most stressful few minutes.  Ike has been very calm, I know it is hard for him as well. This whole process has no doubt made me love him even more than ever (didn’t even know it was possible). God has used it to grow our relationship for sure!
So how do I deal with it?  I look back and I know timing was off for us. If we had our first babies here with us there is no way Ike would have gone back to school, and we would not be where we are now and we believe without a doubt this is exactly where God wants us (He continues to confirm this) and that our babies are with Him.  And I am SO thankful to the Lord for the time He has given Ike and I, truly a blessing!  We love to travel and just do whatever we want at a moments notice.  We know these days will be harder to come by when we do have a child, so we try to remember this and be thankful. We know all this, and we trust His perfect timing and will. We still struggle with it, both in very different ways, but we are praying and BELIEVING that God’s perfect timing will come for us to have a child in His perfect way.  Up until now I have not felt like we should seek further help, but now I think it is time so Ike and I will see a specialist soon.

I wrote that last week and never got around to posting.  On Thursday Ike and I did see the specialist.  I didn't mention this before but during our first sonogram the tech was very surprised to discovery that I had what she called a double uterus meaning just like it sounds I have two.  At the specialist Thursday he said he wanted to do a special sonogram and check to be sure it was actually a bicarbonate uterus (double uterus) and not a septum uterus.  Well come to find out he believes it is a septate uterus.  So what does that mean...well that there is a septum separating my one uterus.  The problem with this is that if an embryo implants in this area there is not sufficient blood flow to sustain the baby causing a miscarriage.  So his suggestion to us is surgery to remove the septum.  We are still not sure why my cycle is so long (worried I could be miscarrying more than I know), but no need in addressing that until after surgery.  This was not exactly what we were expecting to hear, but we were so glad to hear that there is hope!  The specialist was wonderful!!!  We were there maybe 2 hours, and had some answers.  We are so thankful for the Lord's planning.  How perfect that we are here in the same town with the specialist!